Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
