Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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