he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
