also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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