Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
