Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
