I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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