alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
