it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
