accomplished twins. life is a go
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
