everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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