Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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