Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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