Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
