I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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