I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
