you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
