I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
