woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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