I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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