I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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