New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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