Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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