My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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