I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
