but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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