the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
