Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
