I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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