I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
