i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i think i just lost a toe
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
