Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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