My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
