Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
