he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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