WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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