She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
