We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
