mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
