My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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