Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She needs sedatives and a leash
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
