3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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