Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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