I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
