We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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