just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
