All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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