Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
