They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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