Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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