I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
